pet peeve of the week: people who can’t behave at concerts

So recently I’ve gone to quite a few evenings of musical entertainment, and quite frankly, ladies?

I’m appalled.

Obviously people have absolutely no clue about the most fundamental rules of how to behave at these sort of events. I could put it down to Evil, but I choose to interpret it as Ignorance. Let me try to remedy that but laying down the following rules:

1. It is not considered polite to turn up late and then elbow your way to the front row. People have been burnt at the stake for less.

2. If you don’t know the band, don’t wear the shirt. It’s painfully obvious that you can buy a t-shirt that says ‘Ramones’ at the local department store. Unless you can name at least five Ramones-songs, you cannot, however, wear one. If you insist on doing it anyway, I will indeed lobotomise your teenage ass.

3. You must not text your friends during the show. That is insulting to the band, the people around you and, ultimately, to God. Yes, every time you do that, God kills an emo-kid and next time it could be YOU.

4. It’s all right to show your love and enthusiasm by pumping your fist in the air. At certain shows, it is also appropriate to do the Bunny. This sign should, however, be used with caution. It is not appropriate for all things that sound vaguely rockish to your uneducated ears. For example, we do not do the Bunny to party rock. Nikki Sixx may urge you to do it, but don’t listen to him (he used to do drugs after all and must be excused). It is the equivalent of wearing socks with shorts (ie Simply Not Done).
If you want to be adventurous, the Shocker might be appropriate if you are at a Peaches show, or are listening to a delicate young man singing sad songs to an acoustic guitar (men like that obviously needs some cheering up).
What you must never do, however, is the Finger.

No pointing.

Frankly, I cannot stress this enough. Pointing is not polite. Besides, I know which way the stage is and so would you if you didn’t spend half of the goddamn show taking pictures of your friends and texting your mother. Next time I see the Finger, I will bite.

5. We do not headbang to music that is not Meshuggah and as we do not go to Meshuggah shows, we do not ever headbang. EVER. Unless we’ve had tequila. Anything is OK if you’ve had enough tequila.

6. Anyone bowing down to Head Like A Hole will be cursed and so will their children and their children’s children. May their tax deductions never be approved and may they never find an empty parking space.

7. Wearing high heels to rock concerts is not considered comme-il-faut, and besides, you might break something. Or I might break something on you when I punch you after you’ve jumped on my foot.

8. If you insist on going to a concert with your boyfriend, don’t kiss him. I don’t want my view of Faris Badwan having a seizure on stage blocked by your smooching and neither does anyone else, except serial killers specialized in couples, who will most likely spot you in the crowd, follow you to the parking lot, kidnap you and force you to eat your boyfriend while he’s still alive, but hey, that seems to be your fetish anyway, so why worry?

9. A young lady of today is expected to be able to handle herself in a crowd. That means that you must not get your boyfriend to try to shield you from the crowd, elbowing women half his size so that his lame girlfriend can get a better view. That sort of thing is highly inappropriate. And as soon as he goes off to buy beer after the show, I will kick your wiliting Victorian ass.

10. If you don’t like the opening band, please don’t feel it’s necessary to inform them or me about that, because neither of us give a shit. Try quietly slipping out for a beer until the main act comes on.

Or just STFU.

11. Please inform your gentlemen friends that they should not remove their garments. I’m all for seeing Dregen’s sweaty tattooed body when he whips his shirt off on stage. I do not, however, care to rub against your friend’s pimple-infested puppy fat. Thank you.

12. If you’re a teenage girl, don’t drink half a bottle of vodka and then try to get as close to the stage as possible. You will get hot, nauseous and, if I’m lucky, be dragged over the rail and be passed on to the medical staff. If I’m not lucky, you will vomit on my shoes. A true lady can hold her liquor and she always vomits in the bushes.

13. A concert is not the place where you and your friends gather to exchange gossip. It is where I go to listen to a live music performance. Shut up or suffer the consequences.

14. Tall and/or fat men should let tiny women stand in front of them. They should not use force to crowd in in front of 5′2” women. That is not the way to get nookie. If they do, pinching and biting is considered perfectly fair.

15. Metalheads who headbang, causing their long, dirty and unkempt hair to stick to your sweaty face deserves to be shot at the spot. As the law does not agree, however, you must confide your reaction to informing them of your predicament and silently uttering curses that will cause their testicles to sprout wings and fly away. Don’t worry, the Devil will know his own on the Last Day and an eternity of fiery pain awaits them anyway. The same goes for people pummelling you on the head because they are too lazy to do the Fist at a proper angle.

16. If your boyfriend thinks wearing a leopard jacket and a tartan cowboy hat makes him Tommy Lee, hit him over the head and bury his dead body in the garden. Nobody will miss him anyway.

17. The fact that you’re hot and that there is a crowd does not mean strange men are allowed to grab your ass. It is considered mandatory to react if they do. I’ll back you up, don’t worry.

18. A few simple words:

Deodorant.

Tooth brush.

That you live in a tent is no excuse not to use those. And yes, girls smell too.

19. Just because a girl is so nice that the security guy decides to give her Aaron North’s guitar pick you cannot gang up on her and physically wrestle her down and take said pick. It is not considered polite and if you think that God won’t get you for that, then you’re wrong. Also, lemme tell you, sweetheart, you looked like an ugly transvestite and if I ever see you again I will pee in your handbag. Seriously.

20. Please read this before deciding you want to wear a black hanky hanging out from your right pocket. A true lady always makes sure her hanky matches her preferences.

posted by: agneta